Well, I’ve been up for close to 36 hours now, and I am in need of some rest. But first, a quick word from our sponsor….. Slippers!

A special thank you to all of you who were at the barbeque/gig yesterday (for pictures, see my new gallery here, and also some other people’s galleries (including a live video of one of my songs in the set) here and here). It was an honour to play and sing for such a group of supportive people, and it was wonderful as a first gig for me. I enjoyed it immensely. Dan and Tom’s set (Rustic Knives) was really entertaining, with some really catchy songs that I’m waiting somewhat impatiently for recorded versions to wing their way to me. Later in the night, the improv session with Sanjay, and all the others who took part, was also of the highest calibre, some truly inspired fun there! Beware the porcupine.

I’ll probably be updating or adding to this post when I’m a bit more refreshed, but for now I want to give all you weary travellers an aural treat.. here’s 4 of my songs which I have recorded. The first 3 were mixed by the highly talented Aaron Greeno (which accounts for the great quality of sound and effects), and the last is a somewhat rough single-microphone-into-the-computer-type affair, with a lot of background noise, but I thought the performance was strong enough to warrant sharing it, at least until I produce a clearer version of it. All parts were played, sung, and written by myself, with the exception of “Longing To Be”, which my good friend Dean Amjad had a helping hand in writing.

To download them to your computer, right click them, and then “save as”. Feel free to share them with anyone you want to.

• The Only Thing (Tonight) … 3 mins 55 seconds
• All Day Long … 2 mins 40 seconds
• Longing To Be … 3 mins 14 seconds
• She … 6 mins 52 seconds

Be sure to drop me a line to let me know what you think. I would appreciate the feedback (and it’ll give me a rough idea of how many people are downloading them).

Now, go forth, and let the music multiply.

Today I woke before sunrise (strangely I was just talking with a friend yesterday about how great watching the sun rise is, and yet how rarely we both did so). The morning sun touched my wounds as it came up, I felt such a vulnerability and sorrow. I watched and listened to a blackbird, silhoutted against a slowly brightening sky, and wondered how it would be for him to wake and sing each morning like that. Does he feel afraid of the dark, and is joyful for the return of daylight? Is he lonely, one bird against a backdrop of others, singing out their own songs, but somehow making no connection with others? Or does he call out to a mate he has not met, hoping she will find him, because he has the feeling to do it?

These are projections of course, my thoughts and feelings given to the bird. I am sure he lives in complete peace, connected as he is to Nature’s cycles, and to deep instincts without a rational mind to wonder “should I being doing this?”

Like most people, I’ve had disappointments in my life. I have grown and developed as a person, and I have learned that attitude and my own perspective makes a huge difference in how I feel and how I perceive events that happen to me. Disappointment is no longer just pain and sorrow, it is simply a change of plan. If things go differently to how I wanted them to go, I see that perhaps I could work harder at it, to make it happen, or perhaps I could let it go, trusting that things are better this way than how I wanted them to be. That may work for the present and the recent past, but what of things that happened when I had no such insight? When wishing things to be different crushed me and battered me under cliff-side waves?

Those pains are still with me, though I rarely acknowledge them. The sunrise gently opened these wounds, reminding me of that sorrow that I have found strangely comforting. I can go back and see these things in a new light, but I can also use this sorrow to open my heart in compassion. To experience pure sorrow gives rise to a deep tenderness if we allow it, as it softens our usually robot-like armour, and that is a great gift.

I know that when the day is here fully, when the sun is higher in the sky and the day has begun in earnest, these feelings of vulnerability will fade. But I am grateful for this experience, and I hope to bring the tenderness of heart with me, so that I will be a gentle soothing touch to the people in my life, and a comforting voice to the frightened child inside each of us.

“But I don’t mind the dark discovering the day, because the night is a beautiful bright blue and grey.” - from ‘Goodnight L.A.’, by Counting Crows.

When the wind blows all around, or in your face,
You can stop and rest, or just push on.
But remember:
If you rest forever,
You’ll never get there.

There is a fine line between accepting the emotions you are feeling, and in doing something to change them, to lift or alter your mood. Today I picked up some litter in the field I had walked to, and put the pieces in the bin. Such a small thing, yet it lifted my mood tremendously. I saw this piece of plastic in the grass, I saw this can, and it was so natural to just pick them up and put them where they belonged. There was no judgement, no feelings of “oh whoever dropped it should put it away, it isn’t my job to do it”… just simply doing what needed to be done. Doing something for the benefit of something other than myself expanded my sense of awareness hugely. I saw the trees, the sky, the grass, all in a new light. No longer was I locked into thinking about myself with a narrow field of vision, I was looking out [even as I was aware of what was inside], and with the new found space I felt more peaceful. It is a nice feeling to know that I have made a difference today. I am sure the field is grateful. I certainly am grateful for the opportunity to do a good deed.

As people, we mostly search for certainty. We like the comfort of routine and order, and we like clear-cut answers to our questions. The trouble is, this kind of comfort is not lasting, as things rarely go according to plan. Life is change; our circumstances change, our bodies change, our jobs may change. We change our beliefs, we change our mind, we change our living arrangements. There is a quote that is relevant here: “God comforts the disturbed, and disturbs the comfortable”. While we seek the comfort of things staying the same, it is in change, and being challenged and greeted with new experiences that we test the mettle of ourselves. It is ok to sit comfortably in our houses and say that we could survive in the wilderness, but it is only an idea until we actually do it. Trials by fire are real, and they happen every day. Somewhere, someone is dealing with the death of a loved one, someone is struggling to survive on the meagre amount of food they have, some are victims of abuse or domestic violence. To these people, life has dealt them a harsh blow, and it has shaken their very foundations. Such trials need not be so extreme; a young boy frightened of public speaking, yet having to face this as part of their school course is also being tested of character. It is only by passing through something that we can truly know that we have the strength to get through such a thing. In the moment of truth, few people are found wanting, as they come up with unexpected energy and courage to get them through. These things shape men and women into warriors, be it of the body, the mind, or the heart.

The trials we are given by life, then, can be considered great gifts for those who wish to change and develop and grow as people. We would not wish for such events, but we can use them if they come along to make us better people.

Yesterday I baked my first loaf of bread from scratch! It was a wonderful experience from the outset: the smell of the flour, the yeast, mixing it all around, the textile fun of kneeding the dough, and watching it rise when I left it alone for a while. Then of course the smell of it cooking in the oven, and finally the glory of having this odd looking bread staring back at me, but tasting good, and of something new.

I used spelt flour, which is a kind of ancient grain, made good use of in olden times, but not so much these days [until all the recent trends in wheat and gluten allergies or intolerances.. though spelt does contain gluten, it seems many who find wheat intolerable are ok with spelt]. I also used easybake yeast (a dried yeast with re-hydration stuff and ascorbic acid added to it.. this is used mostly in bread-makers as it doesn’t require you to start the yeast working before you begin the recipe.. something I intend on replacing for future attempts, the less extra unnecessary ingredients, the better I think). Other ingredients were a little bit of olive oil, and a little bit of salt, and of course warm water. Once the dough was made and shaped and ready to go in the oven, I sprinkled sesame seeds on the top.

In all, I thought it was very successful. My family each tried it and though they found the taste a little different to the breads they normally eat (which of course are made from wheat rather than spelt, and have various extra things added (preservatives, and the like) which I wished to escape the use of), they did find it quite edible. I enjoyed it a lot, though I appreciate I have a way to go in the art of bread-making, and perhaps I had the chef’s pride going, that which we put love into, we get love out of.

The loaf was polished off today, and I experimented eating it plain, with something on (butter, or jam, or peanut butter), and toasted (today I put natural yoghurt and strawberries on it, but then I have quite a few unorthodox eccentricities in cooking and food preparation and combinations), and all stood up well. The bread sliced nicely (once it cooled after cooking), though I think I could have let it rise more before cooking it to get a taller loaf.

My love for cooking is increasing, as is my love for good, wholesome food. My next cooking projects include more bread (I got some strong wholemeal wheat flour to have a go with), some oat cake type things, biscuits (if anyone knows how to make shortbread without using refined sugar, let me know!), and I’d love to make an apple pie, and some rhubarb crumble. I dare say I’ll document my attempts, and you’ll hear of them here. Until then, I’ll dream of my perfect kitchen, with me in it, creating wonderful things.

Scenes of pearl, cloud, sun,
Here to stay until we’re done,
Wait, the world is breaking, un-
cover your purpose today.

I don’t always know why I write the things I write. Much of the skill of writing comes from beyond the rational, logical mind, so we cannot always bring reason to it. Like any art, it must be felt, not thought. That said, analysis is not a useless skill. As part of totality of being, a balance must be found between intuition and logic, irrationality and reason.

Many of us ask the questions: “Why are we here? What is my purpose? What am I meant to be or do?” These are deep questions, and they require deep contemplation for answers. Depending on your beliefs, Life may be a random event, a gift from God with a set part to play, a stage where we can act out whichever role we choose, or a journey with a path laid out before us or something that we must forge ourselves. Does Fate rule our lives? Do we have a destiny?

My beliefs fall somewhere in between of these extremes. I choose to believe in that which brings me power, so naturally I do not believe in being a “victim” of Fate, dragged around by pre-destined events, a robot reading from a script that is unchangeable. Equally, given the complexity of Life, I accept that not everything is under my control, and to some extent I surrender to the Will of the Universe, believing there to be a dynamic system of interaction occurring always.

I am but one small instrument, a single life among billions of human lives, but even humanity is only a fraction of existance, with animals, plants, microscopic life, space, stars, planets.. and then when you add in the factor of time, even if I live to be over a hundred years old, that is a tiny amount compared to the whole of what has been and what will be. Great civilizations have risen and fallen, mountains have grown and collapsed, stars have burned brightly and faded away. In the greater scheme of things, does it matter what we do at all? All is change, all is impermanence, cycles go around and around.

The key point I think is one of judgement. If I judge importance by achievement, or by the impact and influence I have on the world, then I am likely to be left frustrated by my insignificance. However, if I refrain from judgement, as I believe the Universe does, then I can be happy that whatever I do, however I contribute, whether small or large, it does have an affect, and it does make a difference, no matter the size of it. A watch has many cogs, but if just one is missing, no matter how small, the watch will not work. We may think that one species of animal becoming extinct through our destruction of its habitat is no big deal, after all, what affect could one species have among the vast number of different animals and creatures? But everything has its place in the cycle and chain of things, we are all dependant on something else for our survival. Balance is a key part of life.

To find our purpose, it is a good idea to look at the natural world around us. Ants, for example, can teach us a great deal about teamwork and working for something bigger than ourselves. Each ant plays its part for the good of its community, each serving a different purpose, but all equally necessary.

Spiders weave a web and wait patiently in the centre of it, poised ready to feel any disturbance, on any part of the web. They remind us that we are all connected, and that each disturbance on the Web of Life can be felt throughout the whole of it.

Ponds can teach us about cause and effect. If we throw a stone into a pond, it ripples, spreading across the surface of the water, showing us that our actions can have far reaching consequences.

This is all very well for animals of instinct, and parts of the environment acting out natural law, but what of us humans with our distracting minds? Perhaps we need to know ourselves before we can know what our purpose is. And knowing ourselves, perhaps we will also gain the strength, and the humility, to live up to our potential, whatever that may be.